Understanding Contemporary Teenagers

The underlying themes of the teenage years are independence & self-identity.

Basic challenges that are similar to past generations:

• They are Accepting and adapting to the changes that take place in their body.
• Their sexual characteristics are developing.
• They have intellectual growth, which allows them to think logically and see consequences.
• Social relationships and levels of intimacy are changing.
• They examine the belief systems with which they were raised to determine if those belief systems are worthy of their commitment.
• They are learning masculine or feminine social roles.
• They are questioning their future.

Basic challenges of contemporary teenagers:

• Greater technology has created a more global world.
• They have far more knowledge of violent human behavior and experience on the personal level.
• The fragmented nature of the modern American family without extended family and nets of support.
• There is an overtly sexual atmosphere that the world seems to be without sexual rules.
• They are growing up in a post-Christian world where values, beliefs and moral law is relative.

Do parents even have a chance? Parents CAN guide their teenagers.

Today’s teens are looking to parents for guidance. Parents have a greater influence than peers do in the follow areas: college, attending religious services, homework, drinking, job and career plans.

Parental Love

Deep within a teenager is the desire to feel connected, accepted, and nurtured by parents.

Parent/teen relationship can be positive. Your teenager needs:

• Time together with you.
• Communication with you.
• To know they are okay.
• To know they are accepted even when you don’t approve of their behavior.

Feed the inner spirit of your teen. Be a nurturing Parent. If the teen doesn’t get love from their parents they will seek it elsewhere. So let’s try it.

Love Language #1 - Words of Affermation

Typically when teenagers are deeply hurt by negative words, it is an indication that affirming words speak most deeply to the teen’s emotional need for love. Love is a choice. When we have empty tanks we often exhibit unhealthy behavioral patterns toward the teenagers. A teenager is not a child so don’t treat them as such.

How to affirm:

Words of praise. (Focus in the activity)

Words of affection. (Focus on the person)

Affirming words in front of the family.

Love Language #2 - Physical Touch

There is emotional power in touch. For teenagers it depends on when, where and how you touch them. Timing is everything and based heavily on their mood and the underlying and at times the unidentifiable mood.

Don’t touch: when they say not to, when they are angry or when you are angry.

Do touch: when they succeed, when they fail and when they are in a good mood.

Love Language #3 - Quality Time

Quality time is to give a portion of your life and your undivided attention. Being in the same house does not count. Quality time and conversations include parents that speak "with" their teen rather than "at" their teen.

Guidelines:

• Maintain eye contact when they are talking
• Don’t listen and do something else.
• Listen for feelings
• Observe body language.
• Refuse to interrupt.
• Ask reflective questions.
• Express understanding.
• Ask permission to share your perspective.

Choose an event your teen likes…

Love Language #4 - Acts of Service

This service must be freely given and not as a mode for manipulation. A service with no strings attached.

Do acts of service for your teen that they cannot do for themselves yet make sure to teach and guide them into the fundamental skills of maintaining life.

Love Language #5 - Gifts

We need to understand that giving gifts are not paying them for a service rendered.

Needs to have some measure of ceremony. Have a purpose for the gift if it is money, a material object or a goal.

Discovering the Teenagers Language

The challenge – they’re moody, independent and can be withdrawing or angry.

How to begin to discover their gifts:

• ask questions
• make observations
• experiment

Other great chapters in the book:
Love and anger: Help for parents
Love and anger: Help for our Teens
Love and Independence
Love and Responsibility
Loving when you’re teen fails
Single Parent Family
Blended Parent Family

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers
Northfield Publishing, Chicago, 2002

Available at The Good News Bookstore in Carefree